The above image is from ModelMyDiet.com. Plug in your current and dream stats, and a somewhat personalized avatar appears to show you what you would look like if you weren't so blubbery. By you I mean me, and by blubbery I mean disgusting. Using my height and frame size I calculated my ideal weight on HealthCentral.com. I determined my frame size by measuring my wrist and following the chart at MedlinePlus. Well, I've 120 pounds to lose. That's just overwhelming.
Despite all the reading and wishing and getting nothing but fatter and more disappointed in myself, I recently found an article on MindBodyGreen.com. The article is: Let's Be Real: Before & After Photos Are B.S.. The author said something different from anything I'd ever heard mentioned in health related articles. She said: "the body I'm in today is not the one that got me here." And then I had a "wow" moment. She continues: "My before body did the hard work." Again: wow. Why didn't I think of this before? Here I am, disappointed in myself for all sorts of reasons for as long as I can remember. If I was to try to motivate a friend, I wouldn't be disappointed in her for feeling overwhelmed. I would be understanding, patient, and kind because I would recognize that she's trying to get better in a world that values ideal beauty and instant results way too much.
When I look at myself in the mirror today, I don't see a warrior princess capable of great things. I see a sad, tired, depressed, and exhausted woman who clings to fantasy/distraction/food to stay numb. I can't believe this woman is capable of making the changes that will turn her into that fantasy creature who runs marathons with her sculpted limbs and flat stomach. There are many before photos of this chick, but she can't seem to get it together. Her weight continues to climb.
Our culture says rude and mean things about non-ideal-looking people. If there is any doubt, run a Google image search for best and worst beach bodies. Or, anybody who stands in the checkout line and looks sideways will see public shaming images and commentary on covers of magazines. This is enough to drive a depressed and non-ideal-looking person to turn around and go straight to the cookie aisle, before going home to drown in mind-numbing sadness. All of this judgement makes me feel ashamed to exercise in public. I had a runner acquaintance tell me "girl, don't even think about them. At least you will be better than them because you'll be exercising and they won't." This comment didn't make me feel better because judging others and trying to be better than everyone is the whole reason I'm too afraid to sweat and gasp for air as I slug down the sidewalk past my neighbors.
This may be a slight digression, and I know this Faith Hill retouch is old news, but it's new to me. Reading Jezebel recently, I stumbled across this work of magic, of a finished magazine cover showing the beautiful and talented country singer appearing noticeably different than she actually is:
Have you ever tried to calm a scared animal? I've had a few cats who hid under furniture or under the house when they became scared or sick. I was able to coax them out so I could help them, but first I had to be patient and kind. I had to speak to them in a soft voice. I had to wait until they were comfortable enough to emerge. I always rewarded them with praise and lots of petting, and quite often they got a yummy treat for being so brave.
I've had The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt in my book collection for a number of years, and I keep coming back to it because it's full of Modern Truth and Ancient Wisdom. The first chapter is called The Divided Self and it's about how we can seem to want one thing and do another. "Buddha...compared the mind to a wild elephant: 'In days gone by this mind of mine used to stray wherever selfish desire or lust or pleasure would lead it. Today this mind does not stray and is under the harmony of control, even as a wild elephant is controlled by the trainer' " (2). Haidt summarizes the chapter by explaining "the rider is an advisor or servant; not a king, president, or charioteer with a firm grip on the reins. The rider is conscious, controlled thought. The elephant, in contrast, is everything else. The elephant includes the gut feelings, visceral reactions, emotions, and intuitions that comprise much of the automatic system. The elephant and the rider each have their own intelligence, and when they work together well they enable the unique brilliance of human beings. But they don't always work together well" (17).
My automatic system (elephant) and my consciousness (rider) had been at odds for awhile. I can't tell you how many times I'd started an exercise program (I have so many before photos!) with excitement and energy only to give up shortly thereafter because I injured myself. Or, how many times I'd made resolutions to eat healthy but given up because I couldn't maintain the changes. My elephant has charged full speed toward new and exciting goals, and a kind and compassionate rider would offer words of encouragement and rationale, to help guide the elephant's energy and foster her excitement in gradual changes. Instead, my rider has been impatient and quick to judge and condemn the overly excited elephant, leaving her to feel ashamed and hurt. My elephant has been hurting for a long time without any sympathy from my rider. My rider has been frustrated for a long time because my elephant doesn't seem to know what's good for her. Both are angry at one another, and they will need to reconcile to strike the balance needed for me to be a whole healthy person.
I used to think that my elephant was out of control until I sat down and directed a conversation between my elephant and rider. I actually placed two chairs in the center of the room facing one another, and I assigned one chair to be the rider's seat, and the other for the elephant. As I moved from one chair to the other, I tried to be as honest as I could.
Just like coaxing a scared animal out of hiding to give her much needed comfort or medicine, I know I will need to work on self compassion if I want to see positive change. As Brynn Andre said in Let's Be Real, "my before body woke up every day and moved forward, making one decision after another to fight her way back to being in love with life." My rider will need to care for the elephant, have patience with her needs and desires, and gently guide her to healthy choices. My elephant will need to listen and learn to take it slow. In order for my before body to feel confident enough to do the hard work, she will need to take it easy and be nice to herself. Brynn Andre had the guts to love herself the way she was, and I am inspired by that.
This is such a battle for so many women! It's amazing to me that even the women who look like a magazine cover have this constant inner struggle. Our society sends us these awful messages about what we should look like and it makes so many of us uncomfortable in our own skin.
ReplyDeleteI struggled for a long time with my mindset. Every time I looked in the mirror I was upset with what I saw, and I was obsessing about it all day. It was unhealthy and made it all the more difficult to take care of myself.
I knew that wasn't how Heavenly Father looked at me though. I knew he saw me as his beautiful daughter. I also knew that He wouldn't have me worry about the body image that the world around me says is so important. So I focused on believing that. Through much prayer over the course of a couple of years, I finally became satisfied on this point even though nothing had changed physically.
That is when I was able to make some real changes. I had to have a truly good reason first. The changes were little and still are, but they've resulted in more physical energy which is what I finally determined was all I wanted. I honestly care little for what the scale tells me or what size I see in the mirror now. It's a huge relief, and strangely makes it easier to do things like eat vegetables and exercise.
You are a beautiful daughter of God too Maria! I believe that will all my heart, and that is what I see when I look at you.
A lot of this has to do with self-confidence. You and I have had this conversation before. Also, as we strive to be less judgemental towards others, we must also remember to be less judgemental towards ourselves. I love you!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have to say that I think it is disgusting to publish touched-up photos of the celebrities. Faith Hill looks beautiful without being touched up. The air-brushed pictures are nothing more that lies. I hate being lied to.
ReplyDelete