In my previous post, I alluded to being ashamed of the course my life has taken. I need to address this shame because it is a great misfortune to think this way, and it makes me depressed. There are many different paths to a fulfilling life and I have worked hard to get to where I am. I owe myself some respect for this.
It's sad that society gives constraining messages about the way we all should live. The messages I have received and internalized throughout my life are basically these: In this general order, graduate high school by 18, go to college and finish in four years, get married before the old age of 25, have children, buy a house, have a fulfilling career, retire, and die surrounded by grandchildren. According to this model, at my current age I should be having children or having a career or both. How miserably I have failed at this!
As a young teenager, one of the church activities I remember best is having to write a timeline of my projected future with dates and specific milestones. "Graduate high school at 16," I wrote, and "Graduate college with masters degree at 21, then serve a church mission." I was an ambitious young girl! And naive. But at age 12 I had the introspection to know that education and service were important to me.
Maybe my life is not how I thought it would be, but I'm learning that surprise and compromise and struggle and tension are not only valuable but constant reminders that I am alive and doing well. I have become stronger because of my struggles. I can rejoice in my victories. I can pick myself up and try again. I can be a warrior.
These are some of the things I have done in my "unconventional" life that I am proud of:
I have traveled from Southern California to Maryland, and from Northern Idaho to Costa Rica. I have explored many subjects within the disciplines of humanities and behavioral studies and engaged in discourse about what it means to be human. Outside of academia I have studied quilting, carpentry, gardening, herbal medicine, human nutrition, world religions, and genealogy. I've performed in choral and instrumental groups. I have worked in restaurants and cafeterias and greenhouses and farmers markets and festivals and hotels and retail, helping customers find value and pleasure. I have volunteered with middle school children and refugees and museum collections and tourists. Together with my husband and best friend of 11 years we own two homes in two different states, and we have our own business. I have met so many wonderfully interesting people who have enriched my life beyond measure. I list these things to help myself see that my life hasn't fit within the mold that I expected it to, but that I have many reasons to be grateful. I am 30 years old and I am just the way I should be. I don't need the burden of shame.
Time misused is a cruel tool to gauge the success of oneself and others. Looking at myself through this abusive lens of time makes me depressed because I will never fit the mold. Hardly anybody does!
Everyone I have the pleasure of knowing has a life worth living. It is not my job nor anyone else's to judge. Who really cares that I dropped out of high school and took so long to graduate from college? It's MY Bachelors Degree and I am proud of it so much that it hangs on the wall in my living room with my Associates Degree. And maybe one day a Masters Degree will join them, but it's OK if that doesn't happen.
I don't know how I got in the habit of judging, but I'm working on getting better. One trait of mine, something that is hidden away when I feel ashamed, is my curiosity. Exploring diversity and creativity and self improvement are fundamental to my being. But if I need to like who I am first, then maybe I already do.
I think it's awesome you had the chance to learn so much in college! Your list of majors and studied areas is incredible. I don't think there is ever need to regret time spent studying and learning. You've gained far more for your years in school than those of us who graduated along that 'ideal' timeline.
ReplyDeleteAt age 30, you have become a very well-rounded individual. You have seen and learned and accomplished so much. If your life had been consumed with career and children by now, you would not have had all your experiences. All of what you have become can help others. It is very healing when we can be content with who we are. I am 53 years old and am still working on that, but I have come a long way. I love who you are. I am so proud of you.
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