A Long Post About Self Compassion

There are trillions of articles and websites out there about how to get motivated to lose weight.  I've read so many of them they blur together in a discouraging mush.  But that doesn't keep me from reading them, because I want to lose weight so badly.  And then there is the big market for before and after photos, many which appear faked, but all of which are supposed to make me feel motivated to change.

The above image is from ModelMyDiet.com.  Plug in your current and dream stats, and a somewhat personalized avatar appears to show you what you would look like if you weren't so blubbery.  By you I mean me, and by blubbery I mean disgusting.  Using my height and frame size I calculated my ideal weight on HealthCentral.com.  I determined my frame size by measuring my wrist and following the chart at MedlinePlus.  Well, I've 120 pounds to lose.  That's just overwhelming.

Despite all the reading and wishing and getting nothing but fatter and more disappointed in myself, I recently found an article on MindBodyGreen.com.  The article is:  Let's Be Real: Before & After Photos Are B.S..  The author said something different from anything I'd ever heard mentioned in health related articles.  She said: "the body I'm in today is not the one that got me here."  And then I had a "wow" moment.  She continues:  "My before body did the hard work."  Again: wow.  Why didn't I think of this before?  Here I am, disappointed in myself for all sorts of reasons for as long as I can remember.  If I was to try to motivate a friend, I wouldn't be disappointed in her for feeling overwhelmed.  I would be understanding, patient, and kind because I would recognize that she's trying to get better in a world that values ideal beauty and instant results way too much.

When I look at myself in the mirror today, I don't see a warrior princess capable of great things.  I see a sad, tired, depressed, and exhausted woman who clings to fantasy/distraction/food to stay numb.  I can't believe this woman is capable of making the changes that will turn her into that fantasy creature who runs marathons with her sculpted limbs and flat stomach.  There are many before photos of this chick, but she can't seem to get it together.  Her weight continues to climb.

Our culture says rude and mean things about non-ideal-looking people.  If there is any doubt, run a Google image search for best and worst beach bodies.  Or, anybody who stands in the checkout line and looks sideways will see public shaming images and commentary on covers of magazines.  This is enough to drive a depressed and non-ideal-looking person to turn around and go straight to the cookie aisle, before going home to drown in mind-numbing sadness. All of this judgement makes me feel ashamed to exercise in public.  I had a runner acquaintance tell me "girl, don't even think about them. At least you will be better than them because you'll be exercising and they won't."  This comment didn't make me feel better because judging others and trying to be better than everyone is the whole reason I'm too afraid to sweat and gasp for air as I slug down the sidewalk past my neighbors.

This may be a slight digression, and I know this Faith Hill retouch is old news, but it's new to me.  Reading Jezebel recently, I stumbled across this work of magic, of a finished magazine cover showing the beautiful and talented country singer appearing noticeably different than she actually is:

Have you ever tried to calm a scared animal?  I've had a few cats who hid under furniture or under the house when they became scared or sick.  I was able to coax them out so I could help them, but first I had to be patient and kind.  I had to speak to them in a soft voice.  I had to wait until they were comfortable enough to emerge.  I always rewarded them with praise and lots of petting, and quite often they got a yummy treat for being so brave.

I've had The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt in my book collection for a number of years, and I keep coming back to it because it's full of Modern Truth and Ancient Wisdom.  The first chapter is called The Divided Self and it's about how we can seem to want one thing and do another.  "Buddha...compared the mind to a wild elephant:  'In days gone by this mind of mine used to stray wherever selfish desire or lust or pleasure would lead it.  Today this mind does not stray and is under the harmony of control, even as a wild elephant is controlled by the trainer' " (2).  Haidt summarizes the chapter by explaining "the rider is an advisor or servant; not a king, president, or charioteer with a firm grip on the reins.  The rider is conscious, controlled thought.  The elephant, in contrast, is everything else.  The elephant includes the gut feelings, visceral reactions, emotions, and intuitions that comprise much of the automatic system.  The elephant and the rider each have their own intelligence, and when they work together well they enable the unique brilliance of human beings.  But they don't always work together well" (17).

My automatic system (elephant) and my consciousness (rider) had been at odds for awhile.  I can't tell you how many times I'd started an exercise program (I have so many before photos!) with excitement and energy only to give up shortly thereafter because I injured myself.  Or, how many times I'd made resolutions to eat healthy but given up because I couldn't maintain the changes.  My elephant has charged full speed toward new and exciting goals, and a kind and compassionate rider would offer words of encouragement and rationale, to help guide the elephant's energy and foster her excitement in gradual changes.  Instead, my rider has been impatient and quick to judge and condemn the overly excited elephant, leaving her to feel ashamed and hurt.  My elephant has been hurting for a long time without any sympathy from my rider.  My rider has been frustrated for a long time because my elephant doesn't seem to know what's good for her.  Both are angry at one another, and they will need to reconcile to strike the balance needed for me to be a whole healthy person.

I used to think that my elephant was out of control until I sat down and directed a conversation between my elephant and rider.  I actually placed two chairs in the center of the room facing one another, and I assigned one chair to be the rider's seat, and the other for the elephant.  As I moved from one chair to the other, I tried to be as honest as I could.

Just like coaxing a scared animal out of hiding to give her much needed comfort or medicine, I know I will need to work on self compassion if I want to see positive change.  As Brynn Andre said in Let's Be Real, "my before body woke up every day and moved forward, making one decision after another to fight her way back to being in love with life."  My rider will need to care for the elephant, have patience with her needs and desires, and gently guide her to healthy choices.  My elephant will need to listen and learn to take it slow.  In order for my before body to feel confident enough to do the hard work, she will need to take it easy and be nice to herself.  Brynn Andre had the guts to love herself the way she was, and I am inspired by that.

Teaching Young Girls About Beauty

I'm undeniably a Pumpkin Show fanatic.  Today was the first of the four-day festival, and so of course we were there.  There are parades, like, every single day.  Who cannot be in love with a pumpkin themed festival with daily parades?  There is a LOT to love about Pumpkin Show, but there is one thing I dislike.  The pageants.

Today's parade featured 16 high school marching bands (which I LOVED to pieces).  Each band was separated by little girls dressed up like beauty queens riding on the hoods of cars.  There were over a hundred contestants.  The reactions of people in the crowd were "awwww" and "how adorable!"  I get it.  It's supposed to be cute.  I guess I wouldn't have such a problem with it if everyone came out a winner.  But, there is only one girl who gets the Little Miss Pumpkin Show title.  And the overall theme of this whole debacle is objectifying females.  This is what we teach the new generation!

Aside from this, I will never, ever criticize anything about Pumpkin Show.  I promise.

Photos from this summer...

I have been neglecting my camera this year :,( and have taken it out only a few times.  However, this summer I've had some pretty cool photo opportunities that I haven't shared with anyone yet.  So, congrats on being one of the few to see these... LOL :)

This is me on my 30th birthday back in May.  I took my journal and a PB&J to the local lake, and rented a canoe.

We had a pumpkin vine in our front yard and it was doing pretty well before it got sick. Bees visited often in the good days.

This is one of my beautiful sisters. She came all the way from California to see me graduate in August. We walked around the historic Adena Mansion and gardens.

Here is Dusty and two of my beautiful sisters, who came all the way from Colorado to see me graduate in August. We went to the famous Serpent Mound.

On Not Being Ashamed

In my previous post, I alluded to being ashamed of the course my life has taken.  I need to address this shame because it is a great misfortune to think this way, and it makes me depressed.  There are many different paths to a fulfilling life and I have worked hard to get to where I am.  I owe myself some respect for this.

It's sad that society gives constraining messages about the way we all should live.  The messages I have received and internalized throughout my life are basically these: In this general order, graduate high school by 18, go to college and finish in four years, get married before the old age of 25, have children, buy a house, have a fulfilling career, retire, and die surrounded by grandchildren.  According to this model, at my current age I should be having children or having a career or both.  How miserably I have failed at this! 

As a young teenager, one of the church activities I remember best is having to write a timeline of my projected future with dates and specific milestones.  "Graduate high school at 16," I wrote, and "Graduate college with masters degree at 21, then serve a church mission."  I was an ambitious young girl!  And naive.  But at age 12 I had the introspection to know that education and service were important to me. 

Maybe my life is not how I thought it would be, but I'm learning that surprise and compromise and struggle and tension are not only valuable but constant reminders that I am alive and doing well.  I have become stronger because of my struggles.  I can rejoice in my victories.  I can pick myself up and try again.  I can be a warrior.

These are some of the things I have done in my "unconventional" life that I am proud of:

I have traveled from Southern California to Maryland, and from Northern Idaho to Costa Rica.  I have explored many subjects within the disciplines of humanities and behavioral studies and engaged in discourse about what it means to be human.  Outside of academia I have studied quilting, carpentry, gardening, herbal medicine, human nutrition, world religions, and genealogy.  I've performed in choral and instrumental groups.  I have worked in restaurants and cafeterias and greenhouses and farmers markets and festivals and hotels and retail, helping customers find value and pleasure.  I have volunteered with middle school children and refugees and museum collections and tourists.  Together with my husband and best friend of 11 years we own two homes in two different states, and we have our own business.  I have met so many wonderfully interesting people who have enriched my life beyond measure.  I list these things to help myself see that my life hasn't fit within the mold that I expected it to, but that I have many reasons to be grateful.  I am 30 years old and I am just the way I should be.  I don't need the burden of shame.

Time misused is a cruel tool to gauge the success of oneself and others.  Looking at myself through this abusive lens of time makes me depressed because I will never fit the mold.  Hardly anybody does!

Everyone I have the pleasure of knowing has a life worth living.  It is not my job nor anyone else's to judge.  Who really cares that I dropped out of high school and took so long to graduate from college?  It's MY Bachelors Degree and I am proud of it so much that it hangs on the wall in my living room with my Associates Degree.  And maybe one day a Masters Degree will join them, but it's OK if that doesn't happen.

I don't know how I got in the habit of judging, but I'm working on getting better.  One trait of mine, something that is hidden away when I feel ashamed, is my curiosity.  Exploring diversity and creativity and self improvement are fundamental to my being.  But if I need to like who I am first, then maybe I already do. 

This is Why I'm Not Cleaning My House

I haven't made much of a mark on the blogging world for quite some time.  Part of the reason for that is the ease of Facebook.  I will spend many hours minutes typing little remarks and scrolling through endless little remarks from friends and family and people I have never met.  And, after a little bit of scrolling turns into a whole lot of scrolling, I don't feel like writing about myself anymore.

But the truth is, I really like writing about myself.  And a blog offers me more space to do that.  So, here's a bit about me that's new and worth sharing:

1. I'm 30.  Yep.  
2. No longer insulin resistant.  Hooray!  This is seriously awesome.  Insulin resistance is the same as Prediabetes, and it's not a good place to be.  I'm pretty sure my vegetarian diet is the reason for this change, as it has been shown to improve insulin resistance in a study by Kahleova et al.  I shared this on Facebook not too long ago, so for those who keep up with my Facebook feed, I'm not sorry for double-sharing because this is seriously awesome news for my pancreas.  
3. Graduated from The Ohio State University.  Finally!  My undergraduate studies began in the fall of 2001.  Five schools, eight majors, and 12 years later, I have two degrees hanging on my wall.  I am so ashamed proud of this fact about my life.  Recap: 
• Majors:  History, Sociology, Middle Eastern Studies, Humanities (AA Degree), Spanish, Anthropology, Linguistics, English, Anthropology. See how these majors are all similar? I like studying people, okay. 
• Schools:  Pikes Peak Community College (graduated 2009), American Public University System, University of Colorado at Colorado Springs, Universidad de Costa Rica, The Ohio State University (graduated 2013)
4. The Hahn Sisters were reunited.  After too many years, the four of us got together again.  I really wish that we didn't live so far away from each other.  With me in Ohio, one in Colorado, and two in California, we're spread pretty thin.  At least we have excellent reasons to travel in this gigantic country.  
5. Back to school.  I want to be a teacher.  And since I didn't major in education, like, ever in all my eight majors, I will take several more undergraduate classes, enroll in a Masters Ed program, take the Praxis exams, volunteer in some classrooms, and then hope that the state of Ohio will grant me a teaching license.  That's the plan for now, but I'm currently researching other options to teach, so this plan might and probably will change. 

That's all for now.  I have been in a writing mood lately, so I hope to get back on the blog and share some thoughts about stuff.  In the meantime, I've homework to do.  And I'm painting the dining room furniture, so, there's that.  Also, season 8 of Bones is on Netflix.  And my in-laws are coming in December, so I only have about 65 days to clean the house.  But seriously, writing sounds more fun than cleaning the house.  

The Fastest Enrollment EVER (because I can't stand the excitement)

Registration for Spring 2014 semester opened for me at 8:30 this morning.

At 8:31, I enrolled in the following courses:

• Literature for Adolescents. (EDUTL 3356)  
• Writing for English Majors. (ENGLISH 3398)
• Adolescent Learning and Development in School Contexts (ESEPSY 5401)
• Hollywood, Women, and Film (WGSST 3317) 

I've been having some motivation problems this semester, and I'm not too sure why that is.  I wonder if perhaps my classes aren't challenging enough.  Maybe I'm ready for graduate school and tired of undergrad stuff.  Maybe someday I'll get to the bottom of my motivation problem.  But, today I'm really excited about next semester, so I hope the excitement will stick.  

160 Days of Vegetarianism

One hundred and sixty days ago I took the plunge and quit eating meat.  I had been thinking about it for three years, experimenting here and there, cutting back my meat consumption so that when I finally decided to be a vegetarian, I had already committed to being so in my mind.  By then it wasn't really a plunge but more like a gentle slipping into.  Once I was mentally convinced, there was only one small step to go.

Many people have asked if it has been hard.  No.  I have three broad categories full of reasoning, so for me there is barely any room for doubt. 

Reasoning #1:  My Health.

My endocrinologist warned me twice over the course of a year that my cholesterol levels were too high.  This is a greater risk in people like me with hormone imbalances.  I then learned that cholesterol only exists in animals, not plants.  For the sake of lowering my cholesterol, I decided I am better off limiting consumption of animal products.  For now I still eat dairy and eggs, but no more flesh.  Since becoming a vegetarian my cholesterol levels have dropped to an acceptable healthy range.  At 240 pounds I was my heaviest weight at the beginning of the year.  Since becoming vegetarian I have lost 10 pounds.  I assume it has to do with eating less fat. 

Reasoning #2:  Animal Health.

I love animals.  Cows and pigs and chickens have feelings and intelligences.  Fish probably do too, even though I have a harder time relating to them.  We are less biologically related to fish after all.  I have always fostered loving and respectful relationships with domesticated animals.  Dogs and cats and horses and birds and rodents are fun companions and beneficial additions to any family.  Often we treat our pets as we would our children because we recognize that they are depending on us.  We provide them essentials for survival and they provide the rest.  So why then do we select certain categories of animals for mass production and consumption?  Pigs and cows and chickens make just as good family pets as dogs and horses and rabbits. 

Yes, I admit to having seen a few documentaries about the cruel methods practiced in slaughterhouses.  I believe businesses generally make choices to grow their profits, and if that means being downright insensitive, then that's what happens.  Although I feel like a hypocrite for eating dairy and eggs, products that come from the same industry, it is simply too difficult for me to commit to a vegan lifestyle at this time in my life.  Living in Ohio I am grateful to have the option of buying Amish eggs and cheese, because somehow I imagine they treat their animals more humanely, without using mechanized contraptions of steel to take over the dirty work and dehumanize the experience.  But, I don't really know how my eggs and cheese are produced and that bothers me a bit. 

What about hunting?  I'm not against it.  I understand it from a cultural and conservational perspective.  I never have knowingly and purposely killed an animal before.  I am from Colorado and my dad always had some kind of wild game in the freezer.  I've tasted wild venison and elk.  Hunting is a popular passtime in Ohio, too.  I own firearms but not for that.  I went turkey hunting once and really enjoyed tracking, but hated the thought of actually shooting and killing an animal.  It is painful enough when I discover that my gardening efforts have resulted in a dead earthworm, or that my bird feeder was so close to my window that a sparrow mistook the sky's reflection for the open air.  I don't know what it's like to be without a grocery store nearby.  I personally never had to kill another animal to eat it, and I'm not sure I ever will. 

Reasoning #3:  World Health.

It is a fact that raising and killing animals creates more pollution and uses more nonrenewable resources than raising and killing plants.  Veggies are cheaper than meat in each country I've ever visited.  We can produce vegetables in tiny spaces like balconies and window boxes.  Raising animals simply costs more and feeds less, and in a world of 7 billion humans and counting, it is increasingly important for us to be aware of the needs of others.  We require community to survive, and we require our planet Earth to survive, so we must be aware and conscious of the path we choose during our lives.  Are we leaving Earth a better place for future generations?  Trawling the ocean floor and overfishing for the world's favorite sushi, and everything we do really, changes our fragile ecosystem forever. 

Conclusion:

I miss the taste of pork.  But vegetables come in countless varieties and flavors.  During menstruation I have salivated at the smell of barbeque.  But after eating a huge dark green leafy salad the cravings go away.  We eat at restaurants too much, and in rural Ohio that means my choices are severely limited to carb-heavy dishes with very little vegetables.  But I have been working on getting in our kitchen more often, and taking the time necessary to treat my body to the benefits of vegetal variety.  We have our own backyard vegetable garden and for the first time we are growing peas, beans, lettuce, tomatoes, and herbs.  Next year I hope to try root crops, because no meal is complete without an onion. 

Eventually I would like to completely eliminate animal products from our home.  I've slowly been replacing our soaps with plant-based ones, and I'm careful to select fish-free Worcestershire and Pad Thai sauces.  It does require mindfulness and dedication, but for me that's not the hardest part.  For me it is hard eating at the homes of others, and especially at restaurants that cater to the classic Midwestern-American taste.  If I cut all animal product from my diet, I would starve around here!  I'd be completely on my own.